Are You Well in the Suffering?

[anogete]

When things are going well for me I always feel as if I have some sort of sword of Damocles over my hand. It all goes back to my obsessive habit of worrying. When I graduated high school I had my palm read. It was part of the graduation party festivities. The whirlwind of activity found me in one of the quieter rooms with a friend and the palm reader. After a bit of mumbo-jumbo with the tarot cards, she took a look at my palm and told me that I would find true happiness. Of course there were other predictions, most of which I can't remember, but that one stuck in my head as I am sure it would have done with anyone else. Sometimes I think that if I ever find myself truly happy, then my life is surely over because the prediction will have been fulfilled. How silly, huh?

I had a good day. It was productive and I didn't have any complaints (which is a miracle considering that I should be shooting daggers at everyone as a side effect of PMS). Yet I have that blasted stirring just below the surface that if I let myself be happy, then everything is bound to fall apart. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life and I enjoy the little things the most. Cold ice cream on a hot summer night in an empty parking lot. A drive along the mountains overlooking the city as the sun is setting. A good book. Stimulating conversation over dinner at a favorite restaurant. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning. They all make me happy. But there is always that layer under the surface that cautions me to be careful. Don't want to be too happy or you might just jinx yourself. It is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

There are too many books I want to read. I don't have the time to read everything I want. There's a Twilight Zone episode about this that I have always had a soft spot for. A man works in a bank and hates everyone around him simply because they interrupt his reading time. He dislikes working and responsibilities and wishes only to read. One day while he is down in the underground vault, there is an apocolypse and everyone on earth is killed. When he emerges, he is thrilled and begins to collect all of the books he can find at the remains of a local library. He places them in stacks in an effort to separate which books he will read each month. In the process of this he drops his glasses and crushes them with his feet. He cannot read without the glasses. The end of the episode finds him wailing to the sky in torment. How fitting. I'm sure that fate would have that brand of humor when it comes to me as well.

Comments

[bleedtoblue.livejournal.com]

Burgess Meredith starred in that episode of Twilight Zone...I remember it well. Disturbing that I relate so well to TZ....

I've always envied people who could just enjoy the moment without that nagging feeling that things would, at any moment, go to hell in a handbasket.
The professionals call it GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. I just call it reality.

[donttouchmyhat.livejournal.com]

I remember that episode very well too - "Time Enough," I think it's called.

I've thought (and read) a lot about what you describe, being susceptible to it myself. And, actually, I think most people are. Some sort of instinct to be wary, lest the sabertoothed tiger catch us by surprise. This will sound utterly cornball and self-helpy, but that 'live in the moment' premise is perfect. If we're truly in a moment of, say, enjoying that ice cream, it makes no sense to be worrying over something in the past or something that may or may not occur later. Or, as Michael Stipe might say, Stand in the place that you are.... :)