Anogete's Journal

I should think the shock of Josh's senseless death has a lot to do with this problem. Death is not such an intricate part of our Western society that we learn how to deal with it gracefully. I'm guessing that you haven't had to deal with losing anyone close yet. It isn't easy or pleasant. Wanting to die before them so you don't have to deal with losing them is perfectly natural and I'm sure all of us have had the thought from time to time. Who wants to look forward to the pain of carrying on without someone who is central to our private world? The acceptance of it is difficult but it is so sad if you can't find it. Think back on all the good times you have had with those you love - do you really want to lose or spoil those memories for ever with anger and resentment? You probably take comfort in them now, while they are still alive, so you don't want to lose that comfort when they are no longer around. But there are stages of grief that you have to go through in order to get the memories of the good times back. I am not the best person to advise on how to do that! I have my own issues with people dying and leaving me! It might be worth asking your doctor to refer you to someone. This fear is affecting your life. You know it is unreasonable and you have fought it on your own. But a little bit of help isn't an admission of total failure! Sometimes we can't see the answer because the problem is too close and too frightening - you know that! You are the voice of reason so often. What would you advise someone else in your situation? And, yeah, I do know there is a difference between giving advice and taking it! I'm not claiming that I'm any good at the taking myself!

Hope both Grandfathers recover well and you can calm down before you chain yourself to Jason and require cell phone reports from him when he goes to take a leak!