When it comes to my attraction to the opposite sex, I don't really think I have a 'type'. I usually admire the more unusual or unconventional fellows, but being outside the mainstream concept of beauty isn't a requirement. I adore Richard Armitage, and he's classically beautiful all the way. Then again, other big names that everyone seems to drool over (Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, etc) hold absolutely no appeal to me. I do, however, recognize that I tend to prefer manly men. Not sports starts or professional wrestlers, but men with a bit more character--ones who don't look so perfect or metro-sexual. A perfect example (even if it is an animated example) is Cowboy Bebop. I'm in no way attracted to Spike, but I could easily have (and maybe already have had ::shifty eyes::) sexual fantasies about Jet. There are always exceptions to the rule, though.

Anyway, this is going somewhere. And the place it's going is probably TMI. A secret was posted on [livejournal.com profile] fandomsecrets today, and it made my eyes pop out of my head. Obviously, it isn't my secret because I was unfamiliar with the photographer's work until today, but you can sure bet I got familiar with it afterward. ::fans self::

I'm sure I could go into some long explanation of why exactly I find this picture hot, complete with psychoanalysis and contemplation of gender roles, but I won't. I'll just let the picture speak for itself. It's very suggestive, but does not show any naughty bits. I wouldn't say it is safe-for-work, though.

i might be a bit disturbed that this turns me on as much as it does )
anogete: (black love)
( Feb. 12th, 2008 10:09 pm)
I must be one of the most anti-social people ever.

There was a posting on CL from someone wanting to start a book club. It sounds right up my alley - discussion on fantasy, sci-fi, mystery, horror, or just plain weirdo books. The Harry Potter series was even specifically mentioned in the post. They wanted to know if anyone was interested and had suggestions on possible meeting places. I opened up an e-mail to respond.

Then I thought: Wait. Do I really want to put forth the time and effort involved in meeting with a group of people, even if it is just once a month? What if they want to meet more often? What if they want to hang out and be my friends? Then I'll have to come up with believable excuses as to why I'm not attending meetings or going to lunch with this or that person. I closed the e-mail without sending it. Other than the people I work with, my family, and Jason, I don't have any friends. Well, I have you lovely online friends, but you aren't demanding of my time. Not that I'm pressed for time or anything. I just like having all of my free time to myself instead of being obligated to spend some of it doing something social. I hate parties or other multiple-people social situations. I'd rather go to the dentist than go to a birthday party.

So, each time I'm alone and feel like I need to talk to someone, I just remind myself that my lack of friends is my own fault. I don't know if this is caused by laziness, selfishness, or my extreme introverted nature. Maybe a combination.
anogete: (karen o)
( Feb. 5th, 2008 07:18 pm)
I'm still in love with my new computer.

Work is super slow, and I've been using the extra time to knit a matching scarf and hat for Markel. I'm like a doting aunt. Don't worry. This still doesn't mean I'm even considering kids of my own. I seriously and honestly believe I have primary tocophobia. The thought of becoming pregnant actually makes me nervous, afraid, and physically ill. I find it absolutely disgusting and gross. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's actually one of my worst fears, and if I ever found out I was pregnant, I would demand an abortion the same day I discovered my situation. I'm aware that this is not normal, but I'm not even joking when I say that I would flip my lid.

oh, and a meme - seven quirky things about me )
anogete: (stalker)
( Dec. 19th, 2007 08:27 pm)
A couple years ago I was at the radio station (KUNM) with Jason. He was hosting Music to Soothe the Savage Beast, and I took the time to look through some CDs in the music library. New CDs are kept on a shelf in the studio itself, but the vast majority of CDs and records are stored in the room next door. It was around midnight, and the place was very quiet. Besides the janitorial staff, we were the only ones in the building.

All of the albums sentenced to death row are placed in piles toward the back of the library. They are doomed to be given away or thrown in the trash. Usually, these albums don't hold great quality music; they're the bottom of the barrel. On a whim, I flipped through them, looking to see if I recognized any names. I didn't. However, this cover and the album title (Dignity and Shame) caught my eye. I snatched it up and took it to the stereo in the music library for a quick listen just to assuage my curiosity.

Typically, when scanning through a CD, I'll listen to the first twenty or thirty seconds of a song, skip through to the one and a half or two minute mark, listen a bit more, and then move on to the next track. Surprisingly, it was a decent album. Then I came along the fifth track. It was called "Destroyer", and I loved it immediately.

There are hundreds of songs I love. Some I like better than others, some I don't know how I'd live without, some can bring me to tears, and some can make me smile no matter how bad I feel. I've never felt as if any one of them was the sound of my soul until I came across "Destroyer". I know that sounds rather silly, but it's the honest truth. Between 0:27 and 1:10, this song plays what I swear I would sound like if I were music.

If you're the least bit curious, I've uploaded the song to EvilShare.com. Click on the link, type the confirmation code (so they know you aren't a bot), and you can download the song. The entire five-minute song is gorgeous, but that first minute kills me.

(Download "Destroyer")
I don't usually do the serious introspection, gut-spilling, and angst in this journal, but I'm going to make an exception because I have to get this shit off my chest.

it's terribly morbid. )
anogete: (snape words)
( Jan. 7th, 2006 03:45 pm)
I'm a fair way into Jane Eyre and I'm completely in love with Mr. Rochester after reading the two chapters following his introduction, the chapters with the rapid-fire conversations between himself and Jane. I live for that and I adore men who can keep me on my toes in such a way. I imagine I enjoy the entire package. Physical attributes are very low on my list of what I'm attracted to and enjoy. Of course I can appreciate physical beauty and a handsome man, but I easily grow tired of his company if there is nothing important to me beyond looks. Not to mention that I find unconventional things extremely attractive. A dark disposition, a sharp tongue, a quick mind, a suppressed passion, an inability to connect with most other people, and even a dislike of most people.

This is evident by my professed love of certain fictional characters. I had never considered real life in this equation, but after only a few moments of reflection I realized that my tastes aren't regulated to just fictional characters. Jason alone is very much a more subdued version of those Byronic characters that I adore.
anogete: (sad)
( Dec. 15th, 2005 07:45 pm)
I work with a gentleman named Rick. He's in his early 50's and was diagnosed with a rare form of stomach cancer when I started with the company. It went into remission after the initial treatment, but has recently returned. The doctor's have told him that they can't do anything for him. It's untreatable and far too advanced to be stopped or even slowed. They have told him that all they can do is make him reasonably comfortable until his eventual death.

He comes to work everyday with an amazing attitude. He says good morning to everyone, asks how we all are, tells jokes, laughs, and is a genuinely nice guy. I come to work and am crabby, acting like life sucks until lunch time rolls around. Being near Rick each day has made me realize what an ungrateful person I am. I have a wonderful life that is devoid of terminal illnesses (knock on wood).

He walks into my office at 8:00 with a smile and a question as to how my evening was. Meanwhile I'm scowling and complaining about how early it is. I'm a bitch. If he can maintain such an optimistic view of life with this illness hanging over his head, then surely I can smile and act like a civil human being on six hours of sleep.

I really need to take a step back and look at the big picture.
anogete: (me)
( Dec. 12th, 2005 01:11 pm)
I desperately need a long weekend.

I was rotating the CDs in my CD wallet last night and started listening to an old Lisa Loeb CD I've had for years. It transported me to my old bedroom in my parents' house where I would sit and watch the snow from my window and sing along. In remembering that, I slipped back into the person I was then. 16 years old and completely clueless about all the things that were going to happen in my life. At that point the thought of moving out on my own was exciting, but seemed like something that would never happen. I just couldn't imagine my life actually going somewhere because it had idled in place for so long. I never blamed that on others though; I took full responsibility for the lack of goings-on in my world. Even now I'm extremely reserved when it comes to experiencing new things.

Anyway, the memories the album dredged up were interesting and made me smile. They definitely weren't bad, but somewhat bittersweet because I'll never have that again. I'll never sit in that little bedroom and watch the snow fall and listen to "Snow Day". Never sit there and wonder how things would all turn out. I'm sure I'll have similiar moments in the future, but never anything exactly like that.

Rambling, yes?

While many different bands connect with me, I think Lisa Loeb expresses my femininity the best. I'm not an extremely feminine person. Hold up - I'm not saying I'm some butch she-male. I simply lack many stereotypical feminine traits, but I can't deny that I am a girl and I do enjoy being a girl. While some women are extremely over-the-top with their power as a woman or their sexual allure, I'm just...not. Sure, I'll make comments about myself or my body and I'm not shy about expressing my views on sex, I'm just not overt about it. I'm fairly comfortable with myself, but I'll never be the type to throw my sexuality into most of my daily interactions with people. I'll never want to dress up in some frilly lingerie and prance around on a Victoria's Secret runway, even if I could. My feminine nature is extremely understated and I think that Lisa Loeb captures it well. Try as I might to be something more exotic or interesting, I'm still just the girl-next-door. Probably the one you think is passingly pretty, but not someone you'd sell your soul for.

Wow...really rambling.

My original intention was to post MP3s of some of those Lisa Loeb songs. Not all of these I associate with my teen years because some of them weren't even in existence then. However, the entire Tails album is heavily entrenched in that period of my life. I like them all regardless and think they really portray that part of me (small as it may be) well.

From Tails:
Snow Day

From Firecracker:
Falling In Love

From Hello Lisa:
The Way It Really Is
Bring Me Up

From The Way It Really Is:
Window Shopping
Yesterday's entry prompted me to pull out She Loves You. I'm in an odd mood this morning and I suspect it will muddle my thoughts and make them sound disorganized and poorly thought-out. I feel tumultuous, yet I can't summon the energy to throw myself into any sort of passionate display. I'm sleepy. That's probably it.

Anyway, I was talking about She Loves You. Very few musicians have the ability to come to me in a way that I consider spiritual, to sooth and comfort me while stirring my emotions. Greg Dulli (the gentleman behind that album) is one of those musicians. If pressed, I could name no more than three others that consistently engender that elusive feeling in me. I live for those songs and albums that become the equivalent of a warm blanket or a shoulder to cry on for me.

There are so many things that I want to say, but my thoughts are far too jumbled to relate them in a coherent fashion.

Greg does a cover of Bjork's "Hyperballad" on She Loves You. That album and, more specifically, that song entered my life at a time that I needed it. I doubt that I had the capacity to understand it before then. The two aspects collided at just the right moment to provide the largest impact. Has anyone else ever experience that? Your life and a song you've just been introduced to complimenting each other so well that it pulls this dormant and very raw emotion from you, be it good or bad?

And going along with that thought, I can't help but wonder what songs I've heard before that I lack the capacity to understand beyond the surface. Sure, I can comprehend the basics - the tone, the mood, the story, the superficial nature of it. Those are all givens. I'm talking about something more ethereal. Not even sure if that's the correct word to use. I'm grasping at straws when it comes to this because it's so difficult for me to explain my feelings at times. At times? Okay, most of the time.

I'm getting off track. I consider listening to Greg Dulli's music (either with The Afghan Whigs or his solo project The Twilight Singers) the equivalent of going to church. I don't attend church. The extent of my familiarity with it is a week of Summer Bible School when I was 11 and a horrible and forced attempt to attend Sunday School with my grandmother. I didn't enjoy either. I'm more grounded in humanity and logic when it comes to spirituality and church just has no appeal, nor do any sort of organized religions' teachings. Due to a lack of ability to fully explain what She Loves You does to me, I refer to it as my real church - a transcendent experience that helps me know myself and others, a connection, a beauty, a soothing balm on my soul, a moment of silence and knowing in a life where one is pushed and pulled.

If you're at all interested in Greg's explanation of why he covered those songs on She Loves You (which is a covers album, by the way), then you can find it here. I hold him near and dear to my heart though I've never met him. No one has ever rivaled his ability to make music that touches me so deeply.

A few years ago a good friend of his passed away as he completed work on an album called Amber Headlights. The sudden emotional shift stopped him from releasing the album. Instead he began work on She Loves You. Amber Headlights was released recently because he wanted to get the material out there for those who wished to hear it. I've been looking for it in town, but I fear I may have to order it online and wait for it.

And if you want to hear She Loves You, then you can find all of the songs here. A present from me to you. Or rather, a present from Greg to you (by way of me). If you like it, be nice and go buy the album. It shouldn't be too difficult to find and you'd be supporting Greg so he can make more wonderful music for me.
anogete: (me)
( Nov. 9th, 2005 03:53 pm)
The guilt is very overwhelming. My grandmother called me at work to ask if I was coming home for Christmas. It took me by surprise and I floundered for a response. I told her that I had to talk to Jason about his plans and there is the matter of plane tickets being so expensive at the last minute. I got the impression that she wanted to fly Jason and I in to surprise my parents. She told me not to mention anything to my mother.

We spent last Christmas with my family and had been planning on spending this Christmas with his. Since they live in town, it will be very low key. Plus, we're scheduled to do an all-night freeform radio show on Christmas Day night. It was Jason's attempt to avoid his family for the majority of that day which doesn't bother me one bit. Besides this, I'm unsure of that number of days we'll be given off work for Christmas. I expect at least a 4 day gap without work, but Jason may only receive a half a day.

I told my grandmother that I'd talk to Jason and look up ticket prices and call her back later this week. I'm going to have to call her back and tell her we can't come and it makes me feel horrible.

This is one issue that is an extremely sore spot for me. When everything started happening over three years ago, I jumped into it with both feet and didn't give a second thought to moving away from home. I'm rarely ever homesick and I'm happy here, but there is always that part of me that feels like slime for "abandoning" my family - my mom, dad, brothers, and grandparents. I moved and I didn't give them any choice in the matter. They let me do what made me happy, as they should have. But now I have this huge weight of guilt that I removed myself from their lives against their wishes. They've never really made me feel that way by design, but I do anyway. I call frequently (at least once or twice a week), but it's just not the same as being there. When I do go home to visit, it is fun and exciting, but it is also awkward and extremely sad. I miss them and I always fall into this deep depression when I leave that lasts only for a couple days. I can't help but feel that my moving away hurt them. And that's my fault. And I hate feeling this way. And I don't want to call my grandmother back and tell her that I can't come home for Christmas because that's like turning the knife.

I'm aware that there are more holes in my logic than can be counted, but that doesn't stop the way I feel. Argg.
anogete: (betty)
( Oct. 31st, 2005 04:32 pm)
I was going through some old papers on the bookshelf last night and found a letter I had written to a former friend. I suppose “former friend” is misleading. We never decided not to be friends. I just haven’t talked to her in years. It was written a few years ago when my life was coming together and I was very happy about it. I wanted to share that with someone, so I wrote her a letter to see how she was doing and where she was at during that time. I planned on sending it to her parents’ house and asking her father (who I used to work for at one point in time) to forward the letter on to her. I never sent it even though I have his address.

So, I sat down and read it and realized how much I’ve changed since I knew her. We were friends in high school and I daresay that all of my friends from high school would not know the person I am now. They’d probably find me vaguely familiar physically, but my personality has changed a great deal. I didn’t go from being a bookworm to a party girl or anything so drastic, but I have defined myself much better. In high school I would let people walk all over me. I was painfully shy and it killed me to do public presentations or interact with people I did not know well. I was timid and uncomfortable in my mind and body. What others thought about me meant a great deal even though I never tried to be the popular girl – nor was I ever the popular girl.

While everyone has their complaints about their physical features (and I am no different), I’m more at home in my skin now and therefore more confident. The thought of inflicting a boy with my attentions in high school was unthinkable. I was mortified at just the thought of flirting with a boy because I was convinced that he’d be put out and annoyed that I liked him. But then I went through that period of having sex and understanding what I liked, what men liked, what was stimulating and interesting. I adore flirting now. Not that I use it to get things I want - I’d like to think that courtesy and being considerate gets me what I want – but I do enjoy the mental stimulation and even the quickness that is required.

And then there is the issue of standing up for myself. Six years ago I was so timid. I hated talking on the phone and was constantly berating myself for "sounding stupid". Somewhere along the way (though I cannot point to a specific moment) I gained a great deal of self confidence along with the ability to ask for help when I needed it. And the best gift of all in regards to self confidence? The ability to laugh at myself and not take my faults so seriously. I wish that for everyone.

So, yeah…reading the letter brought back memories of who I was back in high school when I knew that friend and it was just such a shocking difference from who I am now. Going from having a near panic attack over participating in a school play to the gentleman that rents the office upstairs saying that I’m "about as subtle as a freight train" this afternoon.
anogete: (ray)
( Sep. 30th, 2005 08:30 pm)
My Coheed graphic novel arrived in the mail today. It was the only thing I'd classify as good this Friday.

I have an overall feeling of uneasiness. Going into the psychology of it would be far to taxing for me and too long for anyone (including me) to read. I've yet to put my finger on why I also feel so worried. I think I believe that as soon as things start going right for me, then karma will certainly throw a wrench in my life and fuck everything up. I live with the nagging fear that as soon as I relax and enjoy things, then everything will go wrong. And then my overactive imagination starts spiraling out of control. I start imagining the consequences of every possible thing that could go wrong. It's only a hop, skip, and a jump from that line of thinking to insanity. I try to take things one at a time, but I feel that if I don't prepare myself for the potential disasters, then I'll jinx myself into them. How childish is that sort of thinking? It's like crossing your fingers before you tell a lie. No basis in logic or reality - just complete superstition. This is what grates at me the most. I like to think of myself as a logical person, though not to the detriment of my enjoyment of art or fantasy. However, this pathetic and constant worry is not based in logic and that does not sit well with me.

Whatever. I'm chasing my tail again. Call me Rover and stick me on America's Funniest Home Videos. I'll be a pug or some sort of terrier and chase my stump of a tail for everyone's amusement.

Back to the Coheed graphic novel. I've read it once and skimmed through it a second time. My thoughts are reasonably gathered, but not fully formed. I'll never venture to give an opinion or set my ideas in stone just yet. I'd like a bit more time to digest it. Although, I will say the rich color schemes are gorgeous. And it was nice to have my suspicions about the album confirmed. I very clearly heard two different voices in the lyrics before I knew fact one about the graphic novel - Claudio's and another character that harbored much more bitterness than him. So, lovely, lovely. I'm in the midst of weaving it into my existing story framework.
When things are going well for me I always feel as if I have some sort of sword of Damocles over my hand. It all goes back to my obsessive habit of worrying. When I graduated high school I had my palm read. It was part of the graduation party festivities. The whirlwind of activity found me in one of the quieter rooms with a friend and the palm reader. After a bit of mumbo-jumbo with the tarot cards, she took a look at my palm and told me that I would find true happiness. Of course there were other predictions, most of which I can't remember, but that one stuck in my head as I am sure it would have done with anyone else. Sometimes I think that if I ever find myself truly happy, then my life is surely over because the prediction will have been fulfilled. How silly, huh?

I had a good day. It was productive and I didn't have any complaints (which is a miracle considering that I should be shooting daggers at everyone as a side effect of PMS). Yet I have that blasted stirring just below the surface that if I let myself be happy, then everything is bound to fall apart. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life and I enjoy the little things the most. Cold ice cream on a hot summer night in an empty parking lot. A drive along the mountains overlooking the city as the sun is setting. A good book. Stimulating conversation over dinner at a favorite restaurant. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning. They all make me happy. But there is always that layer under the surface that cautions me to be careful. Don't want to be too happy or you might just jinx yourself. It is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

There are too many books I want to read. I don't have the time to read everything I want. There's a Twilight Zone episode about this that I have always had a soft spot for. A man works in a bank and hates everyone around him simply because they interrupt his reading time. He dislikes working and responsibilities and wishes only to read. One day while he is down in the underground vault, there is an apocolypse and everyone on earth is killed. When he emerges, he is thrilled and begins to collect all of the books he can find at the remains of a local library. He places them in stacks in an effort to separate which books he will read each month. In the process of this he drops his glasses and crushes them with his feet. He cannot read without the glasses. The end of the episode finds him wailing to the sky in torment. How fitting. I'm sure that fate would have that brand of humor when it comes to me as well.
anogete: (me)
( Sep. 1st, 2005 09:07 pm)
A tall glass of milk and two slices of french toast later and I am much better. My mood was dark earlier today and it still hasn't lifted completely, but I indulged in my remedy.

I settled myself into the living room floor and listened to angsty, emotional ditties. Most notably: "Good Mother" by Jann Arden, "Break Your Heart" by Barenaked Ladies, "Doesn't Matter What I Want" by Alison Krauss, "Hyper-Ballad" by Bjork. Then I crawled into the kitchen and whipped up my specialty. Two huge slices of french toast with a heaping of cinnamon/sugar and a healthy drizzling of syrup. Add a tall glass of milk and it's the best kind of comfort food. I inhaled it while sitting in the floor listening to Jennifer Charles sing to me. I just needed perspective, that's all.
anogete: (me)
( Sep. 1st, 2005 07:34 pm)
I feel overly emotional today for a couple different reasons. Although, when I really step back, it's a variety of reasons that I tend to lump together. I'm drained not so much physically as mentally. My day was upsetting from the beginning. I just feel so foul and pathetic and low. It really is a combination of things that brought this on and I can't seem to shake the feelings. I'm upset with myself for the most part, but others as well. No reason in particular - just a general feeling. I'm making no sense and I don't feel like telling the story of my day to get the general point across.

The drive home from work was very appropriately tuned to my mood. An inconsequential thunderstorm was brewing. It started out very subtly and by the time I was halfway home, the sky was gray from the wind blowing dust. No rain, no payoff. Just dust clogging the air. It felt like my mind.

I think I'm feeling sorry for myself, but there really is no need to. I feel like I want to cry, but there isn't anything wrong. Is this early PMS? That's not scheduled until next week.

By all accounts, I should be happy. I don't have to work tomorrow. We're off Monday as well. That's a four day weekend to do with as I will. I've been looking forward to the time off and some relaxation. Instead I'm being angst-ridden and pathetic.
anogete: (punk)
( Aug. 21st, 2005 07:48 pm)
Movies watched this weekend:
The Burning - Typical, boring, predictable, laughably bad, summer camp, horror movie. Run away, run away.
A Tale of Two Sisters - Beautiful colors and lovely mood. Released on the Asian Extreme label. Subtitles and such, but very much worth your time. My little mind is still piecing it together. I picked up on everything that other reviewers seem to have picked up on, but I feel as if I'm missing a piece. Oh, it's (psychological) horror - based on a traditional Korean folktale.
Mean Creek - The shots, the way they framed things in this movie is just swoon-inducing. Great (young) actors who all give amazing performances. Humorous at first, but quickly spirals into darkness. Somewhat like River's Edge. Fantastic character interaction.

Oh, and I finished reading The Prisoner of Azkaban, so naturally I watched the movie right afterward. I must admit that I like it the best out of all three. I adore Hermione even more now. Her litte firey temper reminds me of myself. Reasonable and a goody-two-shoes until someone pushes me one step too far.

My anxiety has been under control lately. Today I intentionally allowed myself to be put into a position which usually causes a great deal of anxiety. I handled it exceedingly well. So, I hope that I'm on the road to recovery and the dark months (Oct.2004 to July 2005) are well and truly gone and a thing of the past.
anogete: (Default)
( Aug. 18th, 2005 08:09 pm)
I recognize that one of my faults is that I have a difficult time finishing what I start. As with so many other things, I blame it on being a Gemini. The amount of websites that I've created and put hours of work into is astounding. How many of those are on the internet? Six. How many are regularly updated and tended? One (PDS). I started another website last night. In the beginning I'm always convinced that it is going to be beautiful and I'll nurture it and allow it to flourish. I won't kid myself though. In a couple weeks it will be filed away on my computer and won't ever see the light of day or internet visitors. I'm convinced I do this just to keep myself busy. An additional and simple outlet for my enthusiasm on a subject - one meant only for me seeing as how I rarely ever upload these websites to the internet.

I feel bad about abandoning the song archive I created. The Mulder/Scully song archive. It's genius, if I do say so myself. I adore it and put an incredible amount of time and effort into it. The hours I spent on perfecting it, creating the clips, writing the commentary is astounding. Days and days and days of hard-working hours, pouring my soul into the very personal archive. After I finished it, I was so exhausted by the task that I didn't even go through the motions of the final steps - listing it in search engines and such. I wonder if anyone has come across it. I don't get any feedback from the site, so I can only assume that it is sitting out there in cyberspace just wasting away. If you'd like to take a look: Tread This Fantasy. Knock yourself out.
:-/ I have a feeling this is going to be a crappy week. Probably due to that simmering anxiety of mine. If I could snape my fingers and get rid of it, then I would. It isn't as bad now as it was earlier in the year. Back in February/March I seriously thought about going to talk about it with someone - maybe enroll in therapy or ask if there really was something wrong with me. I was convinced I was loosing my mind and on the verge of panic attacks nearly all day, every day for weeks at a time. Things aren't so bad now. Like I said, it's just simmering, not boiling over. It'd probably be better if I had someone to talk to but _____ is mad at me, I think. She and I used to be best friends and it was nice to be able to call her up and spill my guts even if she lives hundreds of miles away. We've drifted apart since Christmas. I think I did something to upset her, but at the time it wasn't my intention - I was wrapped up in my own inner drama. Apologies were accepted and then she asked for too much. So, when I backed off, she cut off. Whatever. That's the way things go. No such thing as friends forever.

Don't I sound bleak? I think talking about it just upsets me more. I'm not so upset over ____ and our lost friendship. I've pretty much come to terms with that. I'm just upset over this feeling - unrest, anxiety, worry. I worry too much. I've made this journal entry a million times. I worry too much. Chances are that I was a psych major so I could be some sort of mental hypocondriac and diagnose myself with every mental disorder possible. Despite that, I've never been diagnosed with anything. Yet times like these make me wonder if I should have been.

This can probably all be chalked up to it being 9:45 on a Monday morning - on the fact that I didn't eat breakfast and am eating stale Wheat Thins to stop the growling of my stomach - on lack of sleep - on my impending menstral cycle and an upheaval in hormones. Yeah, that's the ticket...PMS. Except instead of it making me a bitch this time around, it's just making me overly emotional.
anogete: (me)
( Aug. 1st, 2005 01:53 pm)
I have no right or reason to be annoyed or upset, really. I think annoyed is too strong of a word for it because I'm not even that. Maybe a slight bother. Although, I'm not sure where this bother came from.

Jason and I were at a wedding reception yesterday and one of the groom's nieces was introducing us to her boyfriend. She introduced Jason as a friend of Chris (the groom) and me as his wife. I'm not his wife. I let it go because who cares...I'll probably never see her again for years (if that) and Jason's only met her a couple times in his life. Everyone else is fully aware that we are not married. Besides that, she was nervous and awkward and only 16 years old. I'm not going to go all bitch and correct her. Plus, we've been living together for over three years. However, Jason was *extremely* quick to interupt the conversation and point out that I was not his wife, but just his girlfriend.

Right. Whatever.

I have no real desire to get married, but it was just the way he jumped in there and scoffed at the idea. Sure, sure...he's making a stand against the status-quo and proving that a couple can lead a life together without getting married. I don't mind that. Hell, I actually support that. Perhaps my reaction was a kneejerk one. Perhaps I was being overly sensitive. I didn't make a big deal of it and actually haven't even mentioned it to him. Probably won't mention it since it's not something that will eat at me. I think I might be being silly.
anogete: (me)
( Jul. 26th, 2005 09:29 am)
I'm in an exceptionally shitty mood this morning. I suspect it may be due to my return to normal life and work. Everyone (attempting to be nice and cordial, of course) is asking me about my trip. I don't want to talk about it or anything else. I'd actually rather be in bed.

The payroll girl is on my nerves this morning. Says that she's buried with work and can I please help by catching up the employee files and keying payroll this week. She wouldn't be so behind if she would stop playing around on myspace.com every ten minutes. She has an account on there and seems to be on there all day long when she has other things to do. I'm not really going to climb up on this high horse because I'm guilty of playing on LJ (as I'm doing now) or message boards/fiction websites during the day, but I never do those things when I have pressing work that needs to be finished. Priorities. If I've run out of things to do or everything on my desk can wait, then I'll indulge myself. She indulges when she has time sensitive tasks to attend to. And then I have to bail her out at the last minute. It wears on me and I bite my tongue.

It's one of those days when it is extremely clear that I'm not so hot at masking my dislike and/or annoyance with somone. My social graces are few and far between and I find it difficult to act like I want to talk to a person when I really don't. The conversation becomes awkward and abrupt because I can't keep up my end of it if I don't care to speak to you. Small talk is most certainly not my forte. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I don't enjoy parties. I'm such an oddball that I rarely find someone I connect with. This leaves me in a situation where I am forced to fake interest. I'm terrible at faking anything.

Haven't I written a journal entry about this? Or something similiar to this? I feel as if I'm chasing my own tail. Perhaps not this exact entry but they all relate to one another - shyness, social awkwardness, inability to get along with many people, high standards for friends, lack of friends. I think I might just be feeling sorry for myself because it's 9:46 on a Tuesday morning and I want to be home in bed instead of keying timesheets become I'm a smuck and told the payroll girl I would help anyway.

I find Baxter depressing as fuck for some reason. Is it making my mood worse or is my mood infiltrating it? Chicken or the egg? I think they are both parasites feeding off each other.

Wait, I'm not depressed. I'm actually rarely ever depressed. I'm just... Maybe I should scroll through the mood list below and see if LJ has a mood that matches so I can know what to call myself. Cold. Physically and mentally.


anogete: (Default)


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